i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
