You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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