i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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