I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
