I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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