i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
