Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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