my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
