I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
