Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
