To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
