the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
