when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize
