Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Randomize
