so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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