if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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