I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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