FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
