Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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