look no pants
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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