i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
