batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
