I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
