i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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