I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
