Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
