summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
