so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
