hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
