i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
We left an ass print on the piano.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
