Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
