Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
