I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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