Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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