yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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