She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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