i think my mom watched the whole time
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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