So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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