if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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