my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Randomize
