Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
No stitches, just platelets and will power
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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