i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
