i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
