If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
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