can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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