I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
