I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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