I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
