I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I want a musical about memes.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
