I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
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Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
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It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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