seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
