He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
do herpes really smell.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
