You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
