it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
