We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
