where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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