he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
